Part Two - "Finding Love And Leaving London":
The Spanish music was playing loudly in the Tapas bar, some "Gypsy Kings" style music, and the whole place was buzzing with life and energy on that Saturday night.
"Do you want another drink?" he said "Yeah, I'll have a Grolsch lager please!" I said as I watched him go to the bar, whilst my two friends came over to shout "Oi Oi!!" and "Get in there my son!" in my ear - my London friends are total yobs!
The music was still playing but I couldn't hear any of it, all I could hear was the voice of... let's call him Antonio... His strong latin accent sounding every word in English as if it was music written by Tom Jobim...
We spoke all night long in that bar, oblivious to all the noise going on around us, and we talked about everything, never before had I met anyone so charming, so charismatic and who really listened to everything I said with genuine interest and understanding.
He was six years older than me, he was intelligent, had travelled to many different countries and at that time he was working as a head chef in a good London restaurant. He had dark hair, dark eyes, tanned skin and was extremely handsome. He told me he is what is known as a "Carioca" which is the name given to someone who is from Rio de Janeiro, where he was born.
The night was coming to an end and the bar was emptying out, the people all going home or going on to one of the many clubs in my neighbourhood...
"I want to take you out for a meal tomorrow night" he said "Where?" I said "I'll find a great place, just meet me outside the Empire Leicester Square tomorrow night at 8!" he said
"O.k. cool!, great!" I said, as we exchanged telephone numbers outside the bar. He got a cab as I walked home to my apartment, which was only around the corner.
The following nights went by and we decided to start dating as we were falling in love, we got along so well and the chemistry was wonderful.
Other relationships I had been in were sometimes awkward, you know those awkward moments in a restaurant when one person is looking at the other one not knowing what to say and searching everything in their mind to say at least something and not look like an absolute idiot?! Well there were none of those moments with us, as every single moment we were talking, laughing and joking, it was great.
After some weeks Antonio moved in with me in my apartment and we lived there for quite some months, both working and going out every weekend together.
I felt a huge change within myself, I was extremely happy, I was happier than any other time in my life and I felt wonderful, I was walking on air laced with a Brazilian accent.
I had dated girls and guys in the past but this was different, this was real and I knew it.
As I remembered the other people I had dated in my past they all just seemed so insignificant, you see I had never really been in love before, not real love, not until now.
The months went by, my family had been introduced to Antonio in the very beginning and everyone loved him, especially my Mum.
At Christmas we were all at my Mum and Dad's house celebrating, eating and drinking champagne with music playing in the background. My Mum's two favourite singers were Elton John and Luciano Pavarotti and she put on the CD single that they had recorded together that I had got her from my work the year before, called "Live Like Horses"
I was watching my Mum and she was so happy, we all were. She was singing along to the song as she laughed and joked with Antonio. It was a great Christmas and subsequently would be the last one that I would get to spend with her. Wonderful, wonderful memories and I am so pleased that we were all together at such a special time.
One evening in January I had just got in from work when Antonio came rushing in the door "I have something very important to tell you" he said with a face that looked so worried and his hands were shaking "My God what is it?!" I said.
I was thinking to myself: is he married and he's just about to tell me? but then came the bombshell:
"I need to go back to Brazil, my visa has ran out and I can't stay here anymore but I don't want to lose you!" he said with tears in his eyes. I was so upset and was thinking that after all these wonderful months together that we would now be forced apart. "Oh my God what are we going to do?!" I said "I don't want to lose you either!"
All night we were very sad and discussing all our options. "You know you could come with me..." he said and at that moment the dark clouds in my mind all went away and I decided there and then "Yes, that's it, I'm coming with you! If you had to go anywhere I would follow you to any country!"
I had decided that my job wasn't a problem as I wasn't happy there anymore, so that part was easy. The difficult part was going to be saying goodbye to my family: my Mum, Dad and Sister...
I told everyone at work that I would be leaving, that I was going to live in Brazil and I handed in my notice.
"You're crazy" they said, well most of them said that. "You'll never survive there! they don't even speak English! I guarantee you'll be back within three months!" I told them that I would just have to learn the language and that I can survive anywhere.
I put off telling my parents for a while as it was such a hard thing to do and I knew that they would be very upset, the weeks were going on and I decided that I just had to sit down and tell them one Sunday afternoon. I looked at my Mum and said "I don't know how to tell you this but...." and then I explained everything.
My Mum cried and so did I, but she said to me "You go... go and be happy, I can see that you are so happy now with Antonio and he is a very good man, I know he'll look after you and we can see each other next Christmas... just promise me you'll be home to spend Christmas with us!" "I promise, we'll be here" I said as we held each other tight.
My Dad was upset too but he's always been a man that doesn't show his feelings very much, however he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said these words that I will never forget: "You're a very brave young man, you're doing something that I could never have the courage to do and I'm proud of you Son!" We were all crying, in all the years I had grown up with my Dad he had never said anything so poignant to me, I knew he loved me of course but all those things were just never in his vocabulary.
The day had come for Antonio to go to Brazil... he was going there one week before me to arrange a place to stay and to talk to his family before I would arrive there in Rio a week later.
I had already left my job and my Mum and I went out every day together talking, laughing and remembering happy times, I took her out to restaurants and sometimes I would look at her smiling and laughing and would feel so sad inside that I would be leaving very soon.
She stayed with me at my apartment that whole week and we would stay up very late every night talking and watching films together, but mostly we were talking.
My Mum was always a huge inspiration in my life, she taught me everything I know and I always remember being five or six years old tugging on her legs, in the room that she had made into an office, as she was sitting down at her typewriter writing her articles for the newspaper.
I didn't see my Dad so much growing up as, being as he was a newspaper photographer, he would always be out working and would only come home long after I had gone to bed and many times he would be travelling on assignments too, so he was more like a "weekend Dad"
I had nothing but love and support from my parents my whole life, nothing I did was ever so bad that they wouldn't be there for me, through good times and bad times, and whenever I needed to talk about anything at all I knew that I had my Mum who I could go to and get advice, support and I would always feel much better after a good chat and a few cups of tea with her.
I miss that enormously, I really do. Nothing would prepare me for the fact that that would be the final week that I would ever see my Mum, the final week that we would have our days out together and get to talk about our lives, our achievements, our failures and all our ambitions.
I never knew that at the age of 56 years old my Mum would be saying goodbye to me permanently, that I would be losing this wonderful loving Mother, my best friend who had always been there for me all of my life and seen me through so many difficult phases.
The last night in my apartment with my Mum was a very emotional one. We had spent the whole week talking about everything, everything except my departure from England...
and then, on that final night, we started really speaking about it. I won't go into any details here but as you can imagine it was a very sad night and I remember so well waking up many times during the early hours of the morning to find my Mum sitting in the kitchen with the lights on drinking coffee and crying at the kitchen table, unable to sleep.
She gave me a card in a sealed envelope and said to me "Don't open that now, I don't want you to open it until you're on that plane"
The day had come for me to leave, My Mum, Dad and Sister were taking me to the airport with two large suitcases packed full of all of my most precious belongings. I gave all my CD's and other belongings to my Sister and on the day that we left my apartment I gave her the keys to my car and said "These are for you, I want you to have my car, so look after it!" She cried, I cried, we all cried and I had been going to the bathroom constantly being sick and my stomach felt terrible.
We were at the airport, my Dad was taking photographs as usual, and the time of my flight was getting nearer and nearer...
We walked towards the departure gate and my Mum started sobbing... we all clung onto each other, crying, and held each other so tight until the final call. Eventually I had to go and I said that I wouldn't look back as I walked through to the departure lounge. But I did look back and my Mum and Sister were sobbing uncontrollably as my Dad held them... that would be the very last memory I have of my Mum as I walked around the corner.
As I sat on the plane, thinking about everything and trying not to let other passengers and the cabin crew see my tears I remembered the card in the sealed envelope that my Mum had given me the night before. I took it from my hand luggage and opened it. Inside was three thousand pounds in cash and a beautiful card with the words:
My Beautiful Darling Son,
This week has been the worst week of my life, knowing that I am losing you. I've tried to hide it from you as I didn't want to spoil our last week together.
Go and live your life and always be happy, the way that I have seen you these past few months. Travel as much as you can and see the world and then when you write home and tell me all about it I will live through your eyes and see everything that you have seen.
I can't tell you how blessed I feel to have a Son as wonderful as you, as loving as you, as thoughtful and kind as you are.
Always follow your dreams, anything you want to do just do it because too much time is spent in life thinking about whether or not we should do something and worrying about what other people think, so never be afraid to be yourself.
I've put three thousand pounds in this card so that you have some money to fall back on should you need it, but if times are ever hard out there let us know and we will send you some more.
I love you, I love you, I love you! and see you next Christmas!
All my love,
Mum
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Everything I knew in my life, up until that point, I was giving up for love... my family, my friends, my job, everything, as I knew that this was the right decision and that it was the next phase in my life...
This has all been very difficult for me to write, as well as being something very personal it has also been difficult to show myself through my text.
I have friends here but they're not real friends as absolutely nobody knows anything about my private life and who I really am. My friends and family all know about me in London but nobody knows here in Brazil.
Me and Antonio lead a very private life and we aren't the kind of people to be telling everyone all about our lives and many times that can be very difficult, especially when friends and colleagues know nothing about you, only the story that you "live with your friend who you share a house and the bills with"
Brazil is a very catholic country and not so accepting when it comes to gay issues. There is still a lot of homophobia and prejudice here and it's not advanced like England is (London in particular) where you can more or less be yourself without worrying about how work colleagues or friends would react.
Antonio is in a kind of high profile job and people who he works with could never know.
We don't "fly the flag" for gay rights and we aren't militant types, we are just two men, two very normal guys who happen to love each other and who have been happily "married" for 13 years now...
So now I ask any prejudiced people out there reading this: how many heterosexual marriages do you know that have lasted at least that long? and if two people love each other, no matter what sex they are, should that be a crime?
Very soon I will be writing Part Three, all about Rio and the beginning in Brazil...
To be continued......
