Ashamed To Be Human...

I am a huge animal lover. My whole life I have had animals around me and as I child I would constantly be bringing a baby bird, puppy or kitten home to my Mum that I would find hurt or abandoned on the street.
I grew up loving my dogs as if they were my Brothers and Sisters and have had dogs all my adult life and the first thing I did when I moved into my house here in Brasil was to get a puppy: my lazy Labrador "Bridget Jones" soon followed by one more: "Lucy Diamond" a tiny black mongrel, no bigger than my hand at the time, who "found me" on a busy road near my home when I was returning from shopping. I saw her and we connected... she seemed to know me, she ran up to me so happy and I loved her instantly and carried her home with me to keep. I believe that she is an "old soul" as she has an affinity with me and I truly believe that she is a reincarnation of a loved one... you can call me crazy but I really believe that. She looks at me with the eyes of someone who has known me and loved me all of my life...

My "family" increased to three last year when I bought my little baby "Minnie Osbourne" a tiny black and tan Chihuahua, who is adult now but still no bigger than my hand. She is adorable and spends every waking hour with me and is also a film-lover just like me, staying glued to the television screen when we are watching Dvd's - her favourites are romantic comedies.

Dogs never let you down, they will be there for you long after a false friend has dissappeared and long after that argument that you had with your Sister.
If you have an "angry" or "sad" day they will still greet you with a wagging tail and a lick on the hand or face to make everything better. Their love is unconditional and I can never understand why there are so many people that choose to mistreat them.

So imagine my sadness last week when Lucy was barking and crying in the kitchen after hearing something outside... I had heard the sound of a car stopping and then speeding off again...
I opened the kitchen door and let her out through the varanda into the garden... She was going crazy and barking at something outside in the quiet little road that sits alongside my house.
I couldn't see anything as it was very dark, the time was around midnight, so I went inside to get the torch to see what it was.
There outside my house was a cardboard box and as Lucy was sniffing and crying two adorable tiny puppies, no older than 4 weeks, came looking out of the box very nervously. I got my keys and rushed outside to get them and bring them into the house, horrified at the fact that some cruel bastard, or bastards, had abandoned them in the first weeks of their little lives on a dark quiet road, but of course they must have known that a dog lover lived in this house...

One was completely black and the other was black and white, very tiny and looking very scared but very happy to see me, so happy in fact that the black and white one wouldn't stop crying with excitement as if to say "Thank God! Please Help Us!" The black one was more shy, sitting in the corner and looking at me with a face that said "Thank You" - a look that could truly break your heart... it did mine.

The first thing I did was to get some spare food bowls that I have and give them food and water... they were absolutely starving and ate two whole bowls of dog food! and also drank 2 whole bowls of water... and these are big bowls! I was cursing the people who had left them outside my garden and feeling very, very sad that people can be so barbaric and unloving... I was angry!!! Not only had these people abandoned them but they left them without feeding them first.

They both did some little poo's on the kitchen floor and it was full of worms... so my next stage began: worming tablets that I always keep in the house, and gave to them both.
They were both very dirty and very skinny, but even so they looked healthy and had a nice sparkle in their eyes, nothing that the worming tablets, some good quality dog food and a warm bath couldn't fix.
Everywhere I was going they were following me, the black and white one still crying to me while the black one followed faithfully behind him, their two little bums wiggling as they walked. I was talking to them and telling them "Everything is going to be o.k. now, you're safe"

Anyway I got some old towels and took them into the bathroom to give them a warm shower with puppy flea shampoo and as I was washing them reality set in... how can I keep these beautiful babies? (yes I already had it firmly set in my mind that I was keeping them) when I already have three "Daughters" of my own? As adorable as they were I had to think rationally as three dogs are a lot of work already, cost quite a bit to feed each month and not to mention having to put them in a dog hotel when I travel... which is a lot of times each year.
How big would they grow? They aren't going to stay tiny like this forever... but my heart was breaking at the thought of all this as the connection, the bond, was already growing between us (true dog-lovers will fully understand this)
My mind was in turmoil: What to do? What to do?

Then I remembered my friend who owns the dog hotel where my girls stay when I travel...
I phoned her and asked if she had room for two more little puppies that had just been abandoned outside my garden. She said that she already has 56 dogs of her own... yes you heard me correctly: 56 dogs! all pets! (mostly strays, hurt or abandoned dogs) but remember that this is a huge dog hotel in the countryside with acres of land...
Anyway she agreed to take them and try to get them adopted, which I said must really be together as these two little beauties need each other after being abandoned so cruelly and they were also so close; following each other everywhere and "kissing" each other constantly, which was a joy to watch.

As I waited for my friend to arrive at the house I spent my last half an hour with these two little babies who had unexpectedly come into my life on that dark, cold night. Many thoughts were going through my head... but the constant thought was "Am I abandoning these two adorable puppies? Are they being abandoned for the second time in one night?" God I felt terrible! But, although I felt heartbroken that I had to deal with it rationally and could not have five dogs in my house, I felt that I had done a good thing... I had given these puppies a good start in life, they had had a lot of food and water, they had their first dose of worming tablets and also a warm bath and were climbing all over me as I sat on the kitchen floor and played with them for those final minutes.

My friend arrived and I got a clean cardboard box, put a blanket inside and gave her the two plastic food bowls that I had used for them and off they went on their next phase of their little lives...
"I'll bring the bowls and blanket back to you tomorrow" she said
"No way!" I said "They are for them!"

But there is a happy ending! Now seven days later they are living with a family who have adopted them! In the countryside with a big garden, and are getting lots of love - the love that they should have got since the very beginning of their lives, but I have hope for them and believe that they are going to be alright.
I'm just happy that whoever abandoned them decided to leave them outside my garden as some other person may not have been so kind as to take them in. Maybe they could have been unseen in the dark and could have even got knocked down by a car or killed by some wild animal.

What I can't stop thinking since that night is "Why?" - Why would anyone be so cruel as to abandon any animal? Let alone these two beautiful little puppies who only had love in their hearts?! Would they have abandoned their own child on a dark roadside in the first weeks of it's life, knowing nothing about whether it would survive or not? What kind of people exist in this world?!
One thing I know is that I don't count myself among you...

It's a good thing that I didn't see or meet the person who left them outside my garden, and who sped off into the night, as I would most probably have done something that I would have regretted afterwards...
No, it's a good thing that these "humans" will remain nameless and faceless... however I have a name for them:
Shameless, Worthless Fucking Low-Lifes.

"It's A Fool Who Plays It Cool" - A Short Story

His heart was racing, he felt his pulse vibrating like a big bass drum all through his body, he felt on top of the world and found himself smiling day and night thinking only about this new-found happiness...

"I think I love her" Jude thought as he sat on the bed thinking about her smile and looking forward to seeing her again the next day, in fact he couldn't sleep as he wanted the next day to be here now.
He lay awake remembering their first weeks together; the touches, the smiles, the laughter, the conversation, the kisses, the love-making. Everything was perfect, so perfect in fact that he felt a little afraid to think about how happy he was as not to jinx this new found love and happiness that had flown into his life like a welcome summer breeze after a long and dark winter.

Jude had had a hard time this last decade, a decade of loss, grief, broken relationships, sadness and loneliness. If anyone truly deserved to be happy it was Jude, he had enough years of bad luck and darkness...
He honestly thought that God had truly been testing him all these years and he was now hoping that, finally, he would be allowed to live and love with happiness and laughter in his world instead of all the black days that he had experienced in the past.
Some days he would look up to the sky and say "So come on God... what have you got for me this week?! Can't you just leave me alone? Please! What have I done?!"

So as he lay there in the moonlit glow of his bedroom he smiled and thought "So this is happiness... this is love..." But it wasn't just love for his new girlfriend, it was love for himself too, as he had rediscovered himself and he loved what he saw and felt within his heart, within his soul. He loved who he was, who he had become through all these years of life experience, these tests that he had had to endure.
Maybe his last true love, who he had nursed through a long and terrible illness, had sent this beautiful girl to him when he really needed her. After all just a few weeks before he was falling into another deep depression and questioning his God why he deserved such heartache.

Jude's life changed a few weeks before when he had been sitting in a London café watching the world go by when all of a sudden his eyes locked onto a girl with a luminous smile, so luminous that her heart could be seen through that sparkle in her eyes as she looked into his.
"Should I say hello?" Jude thought.... "Best not to..." he suggested to himself as he remembered all the past misfortunes and not feeling at all confident within himself.
"Hello, I'm Lucy!" she said as she approached him and reached out her hand to place within his. "I'm Jude... hello! nice to meet you!" he said nervously "Hey Jude! I love that song!" she said as she laughed, scanning his face and hair with her eyes. "Yeah I get that a lot!!" he laughed.

So just like a magical meeting written within a tacky novel they spent the whole afternoon together laughing, talking and enjoying each other's company in that London café, drinking endless cups of tea and coffee so that they would never have to leave their table.

Now, back up to date and three weeks later, Jude was lying sleepless in his bed thinking about the following day that he would be seeing Lucy. He was thinking about how he had spent ten years being shut off from the world, how he had closed his eyes and his heart to the thought of love and vowed never to be with anyone again... but sometimes when you least expect it fate lends an unexpected hand and sends you someone wonderful, an angel to save you...

Sometimes we can close our eyes to people and realise that we must have let a lot of the good ones go, but maybe all of that was meant to be as life was already planned out and the Gods had two hearts in mind that were destined to meet at a London café on a cloudy autumn day...

The next day Jude raced to Lucy's apartment, arriving there out of breath and sweating profusely as he rang her doorbell. She opened the door and they kissed and held onto each other so tight
"I missed you so much!" she said "Me too" he said "I have something so important to tell you! I have to get it out" she looked at him nervously and said "What is it?! My God tell me!!"
"I'm in love with you! I've never loved anyone as much as I realise that I love you! I was lying awake last night just thinking about you and how happy you make me!" he exclaimed to her with pride in his heart, a pride and love that he had always read about but had never really felt.
"I love you so much too!! I was worried to say it first! I didn't know how you felt about it..." Lucy said as her smile spread across her face and through to her heart.

They kissed passionately there on the doorstep. Jude felt like there was an orchestra's symphony playing throughout his body and felt it right through to his bones.
They looked into each other's eyes, took each other's hand and walked into their future together...


"Hey Jude, don't make it bad, take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better."

"New Day" - Original Poetry By Me

New life,
New day,
New wonder,
New way.

Old life,
Goodbye,
Old times,
Don't cry.

Now happy,
Now true,
So loving,
With you.

Pain gone,
Hurt hidden,
Past violence,
All ridden.

New day,
All true,
New life,
Thank you!

© 10/2008

"No Forwarding Address" - A Short Story

"Help me! Please God help me!" she said as she ran frantically through the house looking for a way out "I need to get out of here! I need some air! I need to breathe in some life again!"

This was Polly, a distraught married woman in her thirties, finally realizing that after all her ambitions and dreams that she had had in the past she was to be just one more lonely housewife, a mother to 3 children, a wife to a cold and distant husband who no longer spoke to her, and a slave to her boring daily routine.

"What to do, what to do..." she said to herself as she cleaned the kitchen floor "Surely my life is worth more than being a maid to everyone and appreciated by nobody... I need to escape from all of this" She looked at the time and remembered that today was a shopping day. No, not a wonderful day to take time out to go shopping for something nice for herself; those shopping trips that she had enjoyed so much with her best friends years ago, the same friends that had now drifted away into happily married life, but no this was food shopping in one more busy supermarket full of clones of herself in dowdy comfortable clothes and faces without smiles.

"I used to have a career, I used to have a life, I used to be someone" she said to herself sadly, then upon remembering her children she felt guilty of having such selfish thoughts and continued mopping the floor.

But the thoughts won't stay away; however much she loved her children, however much she still loved her husband, despite his fondness for any woman that gives him a simple compliment, women that have come and gone over the years, those affairs that Polly had known about but kept everything quiet within herself, thinking that everything would maybe someday change and that he would magically become a better man, that he would see this wonderful girl that he met years ago and become a better husband. She finally accepted in her mind and heart that she had been day-dreaming all these years and that he will never change, she's simply invisible to him now.

"Enough, enough!" she said as she stopped what she was doing "My days are always the same, I am always here looking after the house, taking care of the children, alone in everything and I can't take it anymore!"

She went upstairs to the marital bedroom, the same bedroom where she had waited for years to be satisfied by her husband, to be pampered, loved and adored by him but to no avail, and started packing some clothes into an old dusty brown suitcase, a suitcase that was battered around the edges and showing the signs of life, not unlike herself. The same suitcase that was last used for a romantic weekend some six or seven years ago... "This is good, this is change, this is what I must do" she said as she started planning in her mind everything that she had always thought about doing on every single lonely night of her marriage.

She made some phone calls... none of them to her husband. She booked a plane ticket with her credit card, she phoned her mother and asked her to pick up the children from school and take care of them. She packed everything that had sentimental value into the suitcase, closed it up and left it by the front door. A taxi would be arriving in ten minutes...

Two nights later her husband arrived home and found her note on the kitchen table, together with her worn-down wedding ring:

"I've had enough, I need a life, I need love, I need to be held again and made to feel special, not someone who is special because they cook the dinner or clean the house but to be special because of who I am, who I really am, who I was and who I will be again once I get out of this ice-cold marriage... I want to feel as special as you made all those women feel who you slept with over the years. The children are with my mum, you have no commitments, as usual, so it shouldn't disrupt your life too much... It's time for me to put myself first. Yes, at first you will say that I am a lousy mother, a lousy wife, a good for nothing whore who abandoned you all, but after some months you will finally sit down and realize that you have been all those things for many, many years, it's just that you have been the acceptable male version of all those things. So good luck, you're going to need it big boy.... and maybe it's time for you to get a maid."

P.S: "Don't ask my mum where I have gone, she doesn't know... I've left no forwarding address" - Polly.

"With You I'll Grow Old" - Original Poetry By Me

My life was in pieces,
I was broken in two,
My mind was in tatters,
Didn't know what to do.

My life was a memory,
Fell in a black hole,
I felt just like nothing,
So I played out that role.

Then one day I met you,
You made my life shine,
You gave back my laughter,
And said you were mine.

I no longer have black days,
From now on they're all gold,
With you I am home,
And with you I'll grow old.

© 10/2008

"The Hope Of All My Tomorrow" - Original Poetry By Me

Standing on the sidelines,
Watching his life go by,
All those missed opportunities,
Just makes me wonder why?

Why sit and waste a lifetime?
Get out and live each day,
See the beauty of the world,
Smile and make your way.

Life is an action adventure,
With many ups and downs,
Filled with tears and laughter,
And sideways smirks and frowns.

So I'm busy writing my book of life,
There's no more time for sorrow,
I do it, I feel it, I say it,
And with the hope of all my tomorrow...
© 10/2008

George Michael - "The Long And Winding Road"

My absolute favourite singer/songwriter of all time:

George Michael singing Paul McCartney's "The Long And Winding Road", followed by "Faith", at the "Concert For Linda" (McCartney) tribute concert at London's Royal Albert Hall in 1999

Just listen to that perfect voice for the perfect song! And there's not many singers who can perform such a difficult song so pitch-perfect live! Outstanding!!

Brasil, Meu Brasil Brasileiro!

This year completes 10 years since I arrived, to live, here in Brasil.

When I think about this I simply cannot believe it as the years have gone by so fast! And when I look back and remember all the experiences and situations that I have gone through here in this wonderful, beautiful and amazing country I can see how much I really have changed, in fact looking at me 10 years ago seems like another person and in many ways it was another person.

I came here in 1998 without knowing a single word in Portuguêse (that's Brasil's language for anyone who doesn't know) but I knew instantly that I would settle in very well here and wanted to stay, however the road has been an uneven one as the language is a very difficult one to learn but I have succeeded.
In the beginning I would be in a shop or walking along the street and not understand a single thing that anybody was saying, I couldn't ask for things that I wanted and I couldn't express myself to anyone, which is a very frustrating thing to experience as you know exactly in your mind what you want to say in your own language but you can't open your mouth to speak English because nobody understands you! So most of the time you just keep quiet without any choice.
Some people are amazed at this and think that everybody must speak English here, but believe me it isn't the case... very few people speak English, only those that learn it in an English language school.
My friends and family in the U.K. used to say to me in the beginning "Ahh but people like waiters in restaurants and people that deal with the public must speak English there!" - not true! and my Dad, Sister, Aunt and Uncle were all surprised about this when they came here... to survive here you really must know some words or phrases in Portuguêse, even if you are travelling here for a 2 week holiday.

Now, 10 years later, I am a fluent speaker, I understand everything that I hear and read very well in Portuguêse too.
I have a permanent visa to work and live here as long as I choose to and in another 4 years I am able to apply for a Brazilian passport so that I can be dual-nationality, of which I am very excited about. Yes things have changed a lot for me!

When I set foot here I felt instantly that I "belonged", it's a weird feeling when obviously it's not my birth-country and I don't know how to explain it fully but I felt, and still feel, like I am really Brazilian...
Maybe I was Brazilian in a past life and my original country has been "calling me" until I finally arrived here, who knows?!
People here tell me that I am "very Brazilian", with Brazilian ways and not at all like an English guy! and a friend (that's you Isabella!) calls me "O Inglês Mais Carioca Do Mundo" which means: The English Guy Who Is More "Carioca" than any other in the world! - a "Carioca" is somebody who was born and lives in Rio de Janeiro, so for me to be told this is a great honour as you can visit many countries/cities in the world and never find people who are as friendly, outgoing, helpful, happy and hospitable like Cariocas are!! You would never, ever feel unwelcome should you ever visit Rio de Janeiro! I have never been to a place where foreigners are made to feel so welcome!

The first time my Sister visited me in Brasil (I had been living here for about 18 months) she said to me "You've changed" and I said "How have I changed?" to which she replied "I don't know... but you've changed, you seem very different" and at that time I remember thinking "My God is this a bad thing? have I changed for the worse?" but no I hadn't, I simply changed like everyone has to when you adapt to living in a very different country to your own. It's a completely different life and you simply couldn't survive without changing and adapting and you also get stronger as a person through all of this.
Not many people can adapt in this way, which also means giving up many things or customs that you were used to in your birth country, in fact I have seen quite a few people come to Brasil to live only to return to their country a couple of years later because they couldn't adapt or fit in.

My Father said something to me (when he visited here for the first time) that made me smile and look much closer at myself.
He said "I'm very proud of you! You've done something that I know I could never have done myself, you are a much stronger person than me" It was a strange feeling being told this from a parent that I have always looked up to in life, someone who, along with my Mum, taught me everything and prepared me for all of life's lessons.
I now understand myself much more than I used to...

I have been back to England a few times over the years for visits and every time I arrive there it doesn't feel like home anymore, I don't feel English and I don't feel like I belong there... or maybe I never did belong there...
And my Father always laughs at me because all the time I am there I feel so cold and wear lots of clothes, even when it has been Spring or Summer!
"Ahh put the central heating on Dad! It's freezing!!!!!!"

Yes I've changed... I'm stronger, happier, healthier, wiser... I love my life so much and I am more "awake" than I have ever been!
I love walking along the sand, swimming in the sea, feeling the sun on my skin, looking at nature all around me, knowing in my heart that I belong in this beautiful land... and I owe it all to Brasil, my country that lives eternally in my heart and soul!
Brasil! Meu Brasil brasileiro!

"Happy-Go-Lucky" - A New Mike Leigh Film

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a huge Mike Leigh fan! I love everything that he does, from his various 1970's BBC "play's for today" of which "Abigail's Party" "Nuts In May" and "Grown-Ups" were true classics!, to the modern-day classic films that are "Secrets & Lies" "All Or Nothing" and "Vera Drake".

Here in Brasil British films rarely get released at the cinema and when they do they are often very delayed so I have my fantastic Dad that always sends me the films that I can't get here on Dvd from London.

So last month the postman arrived here with my most eagerly-awaited Dvd of the past few years! Mike Leigh's new film "Happy-Go-Lucky"

For anyone who hasn't yet seen it I suggest you drop everything now and try to get hold of it somehow! Very often many small independent films get lost amongst the hundreds of unneccesary Hollywood Blockbusters that are released every year and when one comes along that is as wonderful as "Happy-Go-Lucky" it is like a breath of fresh air!

Sally Hawkins plays Poppy, a North-London schoolteacher who shares a flat with her best friend Zoe. She is a steadfast optimist, always seeing everything on the bright side, laughing and joking her way through life with her vibrant personality and cheering the miserable people up with her happy disposition, helping anyone that comes into contact with her and always dressed in bright-coloured clothes that stand out against the grey backdrop of London. I think this is Mike Leigh's most lighthearted film to date, although (being a Mike Leigh film) as the film proceeds we see that there certainly are more layers to Poppy than the seemingly simple appearance we see at first. She gets hurt along with the rest of us in life and her optimistic approach seems to be a survival mechanism that we all need in some way or another... but no matter how much life tries to kick her in the teeth she still smiles back, but is she really happy?

An example of her positivity is at the beginning of the film she gets her bicycle stolen from outside a shop and instead of saying "Oh no, just my bad luck!" she says "Oh No! I never even got to say goodbye!" Another is when her friend Zoe says to her "You can't make everybody happy Poppy!" and she replies "There's no harm in trying though, is there?!"

So as her much-loved bicycle has "flown the nest now" she decides to start learning how to drive and books some driving lessons, and therein the fun starts: her banter between her driving instructor, Scott, who has some serious problems (actor Eddie Marsan) gives us some of the films funniest and also most powerful scenes.

This is a film with a truly huge heart, which has one more classic Mike Leigh character: Poppy, played by Sally Hawkins, who has already won the Silver Bear in Berlin for Best Actress 2008.... let's hope it is an indication of many more awards to come! Mike Leigh has to date also won Best Director Foreign Film at the Pula Film Festival and Bringer Of Joy Award for Most Enjoyable Film at the Norwegian International Film Festival 2008 for Happy-Go-Lucky. Fingers crossed for the Oscars 2009!

"Happy-Go-Lucky" - Funny, Sad, Hilarious, Heartbreaking, Poignant, Sensitive, Sensationally British - Classic Mike Leigh!!

See it now!!! I guarantee that you will come away from the film smiling!