Another Life...

I look back on different phases in my past and every phase seems like a totally different life, in fact when I remember those different times they don't feel like they actually happened to me at all, I just have the random memories of the many different people I have been and different experiences that I have had.
It's difficult to explain, but for instance my time of working for years as an assistant music journalist in London seems like another life, as does my whole life when I still lived in London.
My current life is the one I am living very happily here in Brazil and I'm sure that I will have many more different lives in the future.... I'm not sure if this feeling is exclusive to me or if other people also have this "feeling" that every different phase of their life is like a whole new life starting over... you'll have to let me know: to make sure I'm not going crazy.

These past days I have been remembering my life as an assistant music journalist; those crazy years in London in the 90's. A life of exciting times, wonderful experiences, constant tiredness and stress. A life of parties on work nights, that we were contractually obliged to attend, parties that celebrated and promoted an artists new CD release or concert tour and concerts that gave us access to see a tiny part of the performer's private on-tour life.

It was a life of excess for all of us, most things were made available and you had to be a strong person to survive it all and escape unharmed, it would have been very easy to have given in to all of that temptation and many people did.
When I look back now I can see that I had a lucky escape, you see most people would say that I had a great job, that I was lucky, that I was in a great position... but those people don't see the inside workings of that kind of job, the bad side.
So when you read this text you will understand when I say that I truly believe that I was saved when I had the choice to come to live in Brazil, that decision was very easy for me.
Of course when love is involved all kinds of decisions that seem so difficult suddenly become very easy when it means that you will be living with the one you love, the person that you know is right for you and that you want to spend the rest of your life with.
For anyone that hasn't read my past posts I recommend you read "Scenes From Another Room: My Story" parts 1-5 before you read this.

You see I left something out from my time as an assistant music journalist, something important:
There were two assistants to the music journalists in the newspaper where I worked, me and another guy, David, who would become my best friend.
For those of you that are thinking this: no we weren't boyfriends or lovers, we were just real good friends and in the beginning we shared the same work experiences and commitments to our job, apart from the fact that David was completely straight and I wasn't attracted to him in that way.
It was great to have someone to talk to, complain to when there was another after-work event, and to relate to when we both knew what it was like to not be able to have a real social life.
We spent our work life and social life together so it was inevitable that we would become best friends, in fact on the rare occasions when we didn't have any work commitments we would go out to clubs in London on the weekends. David was one of the first people I told that I was gay (after only really knowing myself when I was 23 years old) he was a person I could trust.

At most of the parties we had to attend there was a continuous flow of free champagne, rich food, all kinds of alcohol and there would also be an easy availability of drugs.
People would say "Go on try it, it's mild, it's great" and so you would be there thinking "Why not?" and experiment a little bit.
I'm not a saint and I don't pretend to be and I experimented with the milder kinds but would always draw the line at anything stronger.
David on the other hand was the kind of person who was easily led, he didn't have such a strong character and he got drawn into that world very fast indeed.
I would say things to him like: "You know you should really try to lay off of that stuff" and "Listen, don't take anything at the party tonight, why do you need it? Just have a few drinks!"
But he never listened and within weeks he had lost a lot of weight, had lost all colour in his face and wasn't the healthy-looking guy he once was. He used to spend an hour before work every morning in the gym and always looked good, but now he had become a different person. The gym had been replaced by this life of excess and self-infliction.

We would be at the parties for work and as soon as he got there he would be looking for the "guy with the candy" instead of just grabbing a glass of champagne and some food and talking to the people there. I was worried about him but didn't feel it was right to speak to anyone in his family so instead would talk to my boss and colleagues who would mostly say "Oh he's o.k. he's just having fun, he's young and enjoying himself" and other things like "I don't think he's taking so many drugs"

David had so many dreams and ambitions. Some days we would be talking about our futures and he would be so excited about how he was going to be a musician and one day be famous. He used to write songs and play the guitar, which wasn't uncommon in the business we were all in, but he was good, really good. His lyrics had feeling and heart and I would read them and listen to some of his home-made recordings and say "You've got to get this seen by someone! this is real quality stuff!" and he would sometimes give his cassette tapes to some of the talented people that we would meet in our job, but sadly none of those ambitions and dreams would become reality.

One morning, around 4.a.m, I was woken by a phone call at home from a work friend asking me if I had David's Mum's telephone number. The friend was screaming down the phone saying that David had collapsed at a club and was being rushed to hospital.

David died of a drug overdose in 1997, he was only 24 years old.
His dreams and ambitions would all go unachieved.

I remember him today, like many days, and think about this very sad loss of such a young life, someone who really used to live life every minute, the guy who was healthy, funny, great company to be around and just a really great person, and that was before the drugs took hold of him.
If I wasn't a stronger person that could have easily been me being buried in my twenties...

I had some great in-depth conversations with him, he was someone who I could trust enough to talk about my personal life and my fears, as well as my ambitions, and he would also talk about how he would one day be married, have at least 2 children and would have gold records on his wall.
We were of a similar age and it was great when I met him on that first nerve-wracking day of my job, when he shook my hand and said to me "Let's get a drink at lunch time!"

That experience, needless to say, changed me a lot and I only stayed in that job for another year, which was when I met Antonio.
In that last year I was beginning to hate all the shallow people I would be meeting through my work, looking at them all clinging onto artists and talented people at the parties and despising them even more than before.
I didn't have the enthusiasm for my job any longer and was looking for a way out, I just needed to find the courage...

As I said at the beginning that all seems like someone elses life now, I just have the memories; some fantastic, some great and some really terrible, and today, as I am writing this, I remember David; the future singer/songwriter/musician, the future father of 2 children, the future success...

For David: you were my best friend and will always be remembered.





This post has been awarded runner-up contender for "Post Of The Day" for 08/12/2008 over at David McMahon's Blog Thank you very much David!

My Top 15 Favourite Films Of 2008

As 2008 is almost over and I am a fanatically obsessed film fan; bordering on crazy and spending every waking hour thinking about the films I've seen and which ones to see next, I have decided to make a list of my top 15 favourite films of the year...
I highly recommend all the films on my list and if you haven't seen them yet head on down to your local Dvd store and see if they are available to rent or catch the newer ones at a cinema near you!

If you click on the title of each film you can read it's review at imdb.com

1: "Happy-Go-Lucky"

2: "Mamma Mia!"

3: "The Dark Knight"

4: "Gone Baby Gone"

5: "The Visitor"

6: "Wall.E"

7: "The Life Before Her Eyes"

8: "Burn After Reading"

9: "Brick Lane"

10: "The Jane Austen Book Club"

11: "Across The Universe"

12: "Tropa De Elite" (Elite Squad)

13: "The Bank Job"

14: "The Other Boleyn Girl"

15: "Elizabeth: The Golden Age"

"Grandma's House" - Original Poetry By Me - For My Nan x 1909-1994

Following the steps to Grandma's house,

It's 1994,

I go on in and kiss your cheek,

And gently close the door.

Little trinkets everywhere,

Reminders of your life,

I felt the love within those walls,

Your loss cuts like a knife.

"Do you want a cup of tea, boy?"

You repeated over again,

"You asked me that a minute ago Nan"

"Oh silly me! I'm going insane"

We'd sit and talk so endlessly,

I'd tell you how I'd feel,

You'd listen and give your wise old words,

I remember those days still.

Your memory was unravelling,

You'd forget things more and more,

But still I'd sit and talk to you,

You'd tell stories from the war.

One day we came to see you,

And your mind was oh so far,

Mum said to you "Who am I Mum?"

"I don't know who you are"

This disease is such a wicked one,

It shatters memories like a tile,

But always I'll remember,

Your life, your love, your smile.

© 11/2008

"Scenes From Another Room" - My Story: Part Five

"No more sadness and no more tears, for you I've waited all these years..."
You're my own personal "Brokeback Mountain" that we've re-written together with a wonderful happy ending!

Part Five - "After The Rain"

The days are bright and sunny and so is my life. I had survived all the storms to finally get to where I am today, with a man that stood by me, giving me love, support, encouragement and absolute joy. He had been there for me all through my pain and depression and without him I wouldn't be here today, in this place called incredible happiness. I owe everything to him, my rock, my strength, my love, my everything.
He's been there when I needed to cry, when I needed to talk, when I needed to be held and when I just needed to be...
I never thought that I could ever be this incredibly happy in all my life and I bless the day that my Brazilian angel came into my life in that little Spanish Tapas bar in Notting Hill, London. Sent to me when I needed him most, when my life wasn't happy, when I wasn't happy, when I was about to face the most incredible pain in my life...
I totally believe in fate, destiny and guardian angels... and whoever my guardian angel is he or she sent me Antonio at the exact time when I would need him the most.

We continue to travel a lot, seeing lots of beauty in this wonderful country; many beautiful cities, beaches and mountains in our chosen paradise and it has all been so wonderful!
Brazil is such a vast country that you can travel from one state to another by airplane and the journey can take 4-6 hours, sometimes more, and every state is so different it truly is like visiting another country! Some are hot with a paradise of endless golden beaches and deep crimson-blue sea, whilst others are colder, green and with mountains and waterfalls. Some are 100% Brazilian, some have African influences and others have many European influences and seem to be like a little Switzerland, Italy, France or Germany inside this unique country, you have to see it all to believe how very different everything is as whenever I used to think of Brazil I would picture tropical heat, beautiful beaches, beautiful people, samba, carnaval and the world's greatest football team... but it's all so much more than that!

I was lucky enough to get a permanent visa, which permits me to live and work in Brazil for as long as I want. I managed to get this during an "Amnesty for foreigners" when we first arrived here and since then the current government has never made anything like this available, and probably never will again, so I was truly lucky as I couldn't have stayed here without it, apart from the fact that we arrived here at just the right time... if we had arrived here one week later I would never have been eligible to apply for it at all - one more gift from the hand of fate.

Once I felt well enough I decided to start work... working as an English teacher in many English schools in Rio de Janeiro, and boy did I work! My hours were from 7.a.m until 10.p.m. Monday to Friday and from 7.a.m until midday on Saturdays with a short break for lunch.
Everyone wanted a British native speaker as their English teacher and I was a huge success. Word of mouth got around from student to student, student to friend and student to family member and my classes were in big demand.
I felt very happy, my students were all so great and I was enjoying my new job so much!!
However I started to realise that with the amount of students I had I could earn more if I worked for myself, as the English schools all take a very large percentage for themselves which is why I was having to work so much to receive more money. If I worked for myself I could work less and earn more.
So Antonio helped me set up my own small business (known as a "micro-empresa" here)
We went to a lawyer and hired an accountant and after some weeks it was official... I was my own boss here in Brazil - a large step for a foreigner, but great for the country as I was bringing in more work and paying taxes.

Now I could work the hours that I wanted... no more working from the early morning until late at night and I could give up working on Saturdays too. I was now only working afternoons and early evenings Monday to Friday and I was giving many classes inside large companies in Rio, teaching businessmen and businesswomen; professional people, and it was great!

Being an English teacher is a tremendously rewarding job, over the years I have seen many people, children and adults, go from speaking very little in English to being totally fluent, helping them to have a better experience when they travel abroad to English-speaking countries and also helping the businessmen and women understand all those conferences, meetings, conference calls, letters and e-mails in English.
I have made many friends over the years and I keep in contact with most of my students that have completed their journey with me.
Yes my friends, it's a very rewarding job and I feel very honoured to be in a beautiful place and doing what I enjoy! There's no stress like I always had in my job in London and I don't even feel like I'm working most of the time. I can go to the beach in the mornings and go off to my lessons in the afternoons... who said life stinks?!

Over the years we've had some wonderful visits from my Father, my Sister and from my Aunt and Uncle too, who visited us for four days when they stopped in Rio de Janeiro whilst they were travelling on a cruise ship... wonderful times, wonderful laughter, sometimes we've laughed so much that we were crying! So much that my Aunt very nearly peed her knickers!
When they went home my Aunt sent me a lovely letter thanking us for showing them as much of Rio as we could in just four days and for all the wonderful days and nights out, and as she signed off at the bottom of her letter she said this:
"You've got a golden glow all around you and everyone you touch feels it, I certainly did. We loved being in the company of you and Antonio and seeing you both together it is so obvious that you are true soul-mates and you both have that golden glow!"
I thought that was wonderful and next year they will be visiting us again, but this time for three weeks! I thought maybe the "golden glow" was our suntans!

Of course with wonderful visits also come the sad times when we all have to say Goodbye at the airport... the worst times when we would all be crying at the departure gate, but it's the same all the world over eh?! I think everybody cries when leaving a loved one at a departure gate in an airport. But behind those tears are joy, joy to be heading in the right direction in life, to be with the one you love and to know that all those Goodbye's are only really "farewell until next time" as there will always be many more visits...

And even those Goodbye's that you think are permanent, like the one I had with my Mum, aren't permanent at all... as there are no Goodbye's in life, it's all just "Farewell until we meet again..." and over the years I have come to realise that. I now know that this wonderful life is all just a circle and those that have said farewell and seem to be gone aren't gone at all as they are all around us, looking after us, guiding us and surrounding us with all their love, always.
Sometimes they will make themselves known, like in a dream or a wonderful memory, and other times they will be still and silent, just watching us and being proud of us.
But the most important thing is that they will always be in our hearts, always. They are part of us and nothing can take that away, never, not even death...

So farewell everyone, until we meet again!

The Ultimate Colour Test

The Ultimate Color Test

When you are at peace, you are: Deeply stable When you are moved to act, you are: Giving and warm When you are inspired, you are: Creative and productive When your life is perfectly balanced, you are: Philosophical and expressive Your life's purpose is: To live a passionate life

This is my own personal "prediction" from The Ultimate Colour Test and I must admit it seems to have got me quite sussed out!

To find out your's and to post it on your Blog: Click Here

Thanks very much to Riverpoet for this great idea!

"Scenes From Another Room" - My Story: Part Four

"There are quiet places in my heart, ever since we've parted. Gentle, tender, traces of a song, places that belong to you..."

Part Four - "Saying Goodbye":

We got to the airport in Rio at the end of a most terrible day. I was in shock, I felt devastated, my body was exhausted and my heart felt as if it had been punched a thousand times.
The time of my flight was getting near, Antonio and I were saying our Goodbye's when I suddenly felt the urge that I needed to phone my Father. I rang his number, it was the early hours of the morning in England, and he answered it. "Hello Dad, it's me, just to let you know that I'll be getting on my plane soon" I said "Son..." he said "I have some bad news, I've just come from the hospital and, well.... I'm sorry Son but Mum passed away ten minutes ago" "Oh Dad!!" I said and broke down "O.k. Son, keep strong and I'll meet you at the airport when you land" he said.
Antonio was listening to me and he already knew and as soon as I put the phone down he put his arms around me, held me tight and kissed my neck. I didn't even think about keeping up our "public appearances" and I really didn't care, I felt like the whole world just got so much smaller.

My flight ticket was for me to return in one month so we said Goodbye at the departure gate and I passed through customs to get on the plane.
That journey was the worst that I have ever experienced in my whole life, I felt so sad and so unstable and all I could think about was my Mum and the fact that I was now going home for her funeral without getting to talk to her first, to kiss her or to hold her hand.
It was twelve hours of flight time and all I could do was sit there. I couldn't watch any films or read any magazines or books, instead I was just sitting there in my seat, looking out the window across the sky, and thinking and thinking and thinking, and crying quietly to myself.

Once I was in England I got my suitcase at the baggage claim and went through customs to see if my Dad was there. There was Dad looking ten years older with all the stress and grief written all over his face. I walked up to him and we put our arms around each other and cried. I had never seen my Father so devastated in all my life. We stood there for about twenty minutes just crying.
We got home and had a cup of tea and started talking about Mum. Dad explained to me that it had been a very difficult few months, and told me all about Mum's wish for me not to know anything. I could see in my Dad's eyes that this had all been very difficult for him and it was showing in his face. I didn't question why as I didn't feel it was the right time, but all I could think in my mind was how terrible I felt at not being there for my Mum when she had been there for me every step of my life, through good and bad times... I felt extremely guilty and just terribly grief-stricken and in complete shock at hearing the bad news only the day before.

The next day we were all sitting in the living room (my Dad, my Sister and I) and we didn't bother getting ready to go out or anything, we just talked and talked, and cried. As the days went on we were all getting worse, my Dad was falling apart and my Sister couldn't handle dealing with anything at all and in the end she couldn't even talk, instead just sitting upstairs in her bedroom alone and playing music.
My Nan was coming down from her house that day (she lived two hours from London) as we needed to start dealing with the funeral arrangements and inviting people, all those terrible things that need to be done fast...
My Dad said that he didn't think he could do anything, that he couldn't handle it all, so I said to him "Do you want me to arrange everything? I can do it with Nan, you don't have to do anything Dad... don't worry, I'll do it all" so he agreed and when my Nan arrived she came with me to the funeral home and arranged everything; the casket, the flowers, the cars, the funeral, everything.

The man in the funeral home asked if we wanted to see Mum and my Nan said no. I said "Yes I want to see her" my Nan looked at me and said "Are you sure? Wouldn't you prefer to have the memories of her as she was? it isn't her in there you know?!..." but I said "Yes, I really need to do this Nan, I need to say Goodbye" and she said "You're a very brave boy" and off I went into the little room to see her.
I stood there and spoke to her, I touched her hand and said that I was sorry that I wasn't there for her. I thanked her for everything she had done for me in my life and for all the love and support that she had given me and then I said Goodbye.

We got home to my Dad and Sister and told them that everything was done and that the funeral would be on the following Monday at 2.p.m.
"He did everything, I'm so proud of him and he has kept so strong" said my Nan to my Dad "Thanks Son" said my Dad, the permanent tears in his eyes "I don't need to be thanked Dad, it's my duty to Mum, I owe her at least that" I said breaking down in tears again.
Then came the time to phone all the family and friends to inform them of the funeral day, place and time. I phoned them all... awful phone calls with everyone crying, a terrible thing to have to do.
We went to the florists to order our wreaths for Mum and to write our cards out that go on the flowers: "My Darling Mum, I love you forever, I miss you forever, I'll carry your love with me all through my life... Your Loving Son... Forever"

The days leading up to the funeral day were terrible. My Dad and Sister were getting worse and worse and so was I. However I was trying my hardest not to show it and tried to keep strong for them both. I would go to bed at night and cry myself to sleep in my pillow, the tears were endless and I would beg to see my Mum in the darkness of the room, to be able to say Goodbye to her properly... but the room just stayed dark.

The funeral day was here and I felt as if I couldn't go through with it, but of course we all had to get through it together. Dad held mine and my Sister's hands as we walked into the church to the sound of the music that we had chosen for Mum "Places That Belong To You" by Barbra Streisand, one of Mum's favourite singers.
Once it was over then came the time to leave the church and say thank you to all the guests; family and friends. Everyone was in a line and we thanked each of them one at a time. This was the priest's idea and I didn't like it at all as by the time I got half way I was in a real state and my Mum's Sister, my Aunt, got hold of me and gave me a big cuddle. All the stress and heartache leading up to that day had just accumulated and I couldn't hold it all in anymore and just broke down, losing the strength in my legs as she held me up.
Everyone came back to the house but we all just wanted everyone to go home fast so that we could just be together... My Dad, my Sister and I.

I stayed there in England for a month and my Dad was gradually getting a bit better. I missed Antonio so much and just wished that he could have been there with me so that I could have been held and have him to talk to about all my feelings when we were alone.
My aunt, my Mum's Sister, was planning to move to Spain and said that now she was going to go as she didn't have my Mum there anymore. They were so close and would see each other every day. My Aunt still lives in Spain now and we keep in regular contact via e-mail and letters and she always says that we both ran away to different countries to escape the pain in London.

The time had come for me to return to Brazil. I felt so very sad having to say Goodbye all over again and we were all very upset again, but I had seen a small improvement in my Dad and Sister and I knew that they would be o.k. I also felt so pleased that I was able to help in some small way to arrange everything for my Dad, but mostly for my Mum.
We all said our Goodbye's and my Nan gave me an envelope full of money. I refused it but she insisted and said "Now listen here, I may not get to see you again, I'm not getting any younger so this is just something that would be all your Birthday and Christmas presents in one, so buy some furniture and things that you and Antonio need there in Brazil" "O.k. Nan, thank you! I will buy some nice things with it" I said and finally went through to get my plane.

When I arrived in Brazil I felt exhausted, sad, drained and extremely depressed. I was pleased to be getting home to Antonio and the thought that we would be together. I wanted to talk about so many things, all about Mum and everything that had happened in England.
I went through customs and there was Antonio, we put our arms around each other and went to get a cab to go home...
When we got into the apartment he said to me "I have some bad news" and I said "Oh no, what now?!" then he went on to tell me that he had got a job working offshore and was being sent to work away at sea the next morning for four weeks and that he would be home in a month's time and would then have four weeks at home... it would be like this each time: four weeks on and four weeks off.
I was devastated, I had come home only to be alone, depressed, sad, still in shock and grief-stricken, but we had no choice, he had to take the job.

So in the times that I would be alone, so as not to go completely insane, I started writing poetry, all poems about my Mum, grief and what I was feeling, and all this helped me a lot. It was like a psychologist for me and I feel that it helped me a lot, especially as I didn't have any friends or family in Brazil to talk to or talk about everything that I was feeling at that time.

It was a long three years of deep depression. I had felt o.k. when I came back to Brazil but then I got really bad and I realised that I had been holding everything in and still didn't really believe that everything had actually happened. I fell into a black hole and it took me three years to drag myself back out of it. Sometimes I would be on the street and see an old woman and realise in my mind that I would never get to see my Mum like that and I would get upset. Sometimes I would be in a supermarket and have to leave and go home as I would just start crying there and then in the queue full of people.
My feelings and sadness were all heightened and I couldn't control any of it. I think I was worse because I didn't have the support of my family around me, some kind of "healing"
Those three years are a blur and all I can remember is writing my poetry... of which I have the proof: a whole book written full of those poems that were spilling all my feelings and tears out onto the page. All the sadness I felt that inspired me every single day to write, and each poem would only take me ten minutes from the time I started writing it until the time I finished it... all my feelings were just pouring out into my writing and I really feel that they saved me, that's a fact. Then, after some time, my writing started getting better... improving in lightness and tone, along with how I was beginning to feel.... better... I was finally in the phase of acceptance.

Here is one of the poems that I wrote during that time, called "Grief" click here

So now that you have wiped away your tears upon reading all this sadness I promise that Part Five is going to be only happiness and joy - the road to the future, to this place that I have arrived finally with happiness, joy, wonderful memories and love... Thanks so much for reading!