The Light That Said Goodbye

Before I can begin to tell this story I need to prepare the groundwork and let you know where I was and what was going on in the life of my family and I at the time:

When I still lived in London and would go out at weekends I would often go back to my parents house instead of my apartment so that I could wake up on a Sunday morning with my Mum and Dad, have Sunday dinner there and also get to sleep in my old bed in my old room which my Mum always kept for me.

My Grandmother who had been such an independent and strong woman all of her life, a woman who survived the poverty and total devastation of the war, survived the loss of her Husband and her family home, succumbed to Alzheimer's Disease in the last eight years of her life.
Her independence, dignity and strength ripped away from her by this terrible disease.
She lost most present day memory and only remembered past happenings, especially the war of which, remarkably, she still remembered every single detail.

In the beginning my Mum had her living in the family home and she was taking care of her but in the last couple of years it got too dangerous as my Grandmother was getting up at all hours of the night and walking downstairs, unlocking the door and leaving the house in her nightdress and slippers, as well as sometimes putting the gas cooker on in the kitchen without lighting it.
Many times we had to call the police to find her as we would wake up in the mornings with the front door of the house wide open, the house stinking of gas, and no sign of Nan...
So, even though my Mum felt absolutely guilty and terrible doing it, the Doctors said that she really should be in a nursing home where she would get 24 hours care and safety, as living at home she was a danger to herself and everyone else.

There's a wonderful film detailing the total destruction of Alzheimer's on a strong independent woman's life called "Iris" which is the true life story of the wonderful intelligent writer Iris Murdoch, starring Judi Dench, Kate Winslet and Jim Broadbent. It depicts very accurately how Alzheimer's affects everyone in the family.
I highly recommend this film to anyone interested in this subject, or even if you are just interested in seeing a true powerhouse acting performance by Judi Dench, Kate Winslet and Jim Broadbent...

So back to my story:

It was an early Sunday morning and I was arriving home from a club. I climbed the stairs in our family home and went into my bedroom, getting undressed and ready to get into bed.
On the ceiling of my bedroom was a spotlight fixture which had three spotlight bulbs, I had them all on...
All of a sudden there was a "pop" noise and all three spotlight bulbs burned out, altogether... not one but all three. I thought it was strange...
The electricity was all o.k. in the house and everything else was working, the only problem was with my spotlights.
I remember looking at the time and it was just after 4.a.m. I got into bed, thought nothing more of it and went to sleep.

At 8.a.m. my Father was shaking me awake and said to me "Son, I have some bad news, Nan passed away during the night" It was such a shock to be woken up with such sad news and I then remembered my spotlights and asked my Dad "What time did she pass away?" he said "We're not really sure but the nurses think around 4.a.m..."

I went downstairs to the living room, which was full of tears, and told my Mum about the strange thing that had happened with my lights in my room.
Mum looked at me, her eyes blood-red from all her tears, and said "That was Nanny coming to say Goodbye to you!" "Do you think so?!" I said "Absolutely! at the very same time that she passed away?! of course it was her, Son! Ahh that's so wonderful!"
I felt a sense of happiness at this very sad time to think that my Nan had come to say her final farewell to me, knowing that I was the only one awake in the house at that time.

Some weeks later My Mum was woken up in the middle of the night with the telephone ringing next to her bed, she picked it up and said that she heard a woman's voice that sounded very much like my Nan.
"Mum?!" my Mum said down the phone and then the line went dead.
The next day my Dad said that she must have been dreaming as she was in a very fragile state but Mum always swore that she wasn't dreaming and that she was indeed wide awake.

A couple of years passed and we forgot all about my bedroom spotlight and Mum's telephone call, or we at least put it at the back of our minds...

One day my Mum and I arranged to go to see a medium whose name was Nella Jones. This woman is famously accurate and has helped the police with many murder cases and missing children where she has found the burial sites and the victims through her clairvoyant skills and contact with the dead. She is what was known as a real medium and had a six month waiting list to get an appointment to see her at her home.
The day came and we entered her home very nervously, we had spent months talking about our expectations and how exciting it was going to be. We had our reading together as Nella Jones said that, being as we were Mother and Son, our bond would help her to get an accurate message from someone. We didn't tell her that Nan had died recently and neither did we tell her who we were expecting a message from.

"My Darling" she said to my Mum "I've got an extremely strong woman here, her love for you is beyond anything, she's saying that she's your Mum" My Mum was crying and just listening, Nella went on: "She's giving you a rose here" (roses were my Mum's favourite and everyone knew that, especially Nan) "And she's saying that she has tried to call you on the phone a few times..."
Well Mum and I just looked at each other, shocked, and with tears streaming down our faces, this certified that it was true, well we believed it.
Nella spoke about many more things with my Mum, mostly personal, and most of what turned out to be many facts from my Mum's childhood, including the fact that Mum was the only child who stayed with my Nan throughout the war as she was still a baby, whilst her Brother and Sisters were all evacuated to the countryside.
We had goosebumps...

Then Nella turned to me and said "My love, your Nan is saying that you're an angel, an angel sent from heaven" I started crying, Mum too, as Nan always used to call me her angel and in the later years of her Alzheimer's Mum would say to her "Who am I Mum?" and Nan would reply "I don't know who you are" then Mum, very upset, would reply "Mum it's me... your Daughter!" and Nan would reply "No you're not, I don't have a Daughter!"
Then Mum would point at me and say "Who's this Mum?" and Nan would say "That's my Donnie! he's an angel, an angel from heaven!"
Somehow she never forgot who I was, but my Mum was always heartbroken that Nan never remembered who she was in her final years.
Alzheimer's is such a cruel disease that robs people of their souls.

Next Nella said to me "Now then, your Nan is saying that it's very dark in your bedroom..." (I still hadn't got the lights fixed as I lived in my own apartment during the week) "And she's saying that a light went out in your room the night that she passed on.... she's telling me to tell you that it was the only way she could say Goodbye"

Mum and I left there at the end of the reading full of tears, we felt closer to Nan and would talk all about it for months afterwards... but my Dad always remained skeptical.

Many years later when my Dear Mum passed away and I was at the airport in Rio, waiting for my sad flight back to London, there was a power-cut throughout the area and the airport was in darkness for about ten minutes. That was the point when I decided to phone my Dad and he told me the terrible news that Mum had just passed away.
I didn't connect the power-cut with her death but Antonio (who knew all about the spotlight going out in my bedroom at the time of my Nan's death) looked at me afterwards and said "You know what that power-cut was don't you? it was your Mum saying Goodbye to you! She was sending you a message"
"Do you think so?" I said, full of tears "Of course!" he said "Don't you think that she would let you know in that way? the very same way that your Nan said Goodbye to you years ago?!"

We held each other and I prepared myself for the loneliest and saddest trip of my whole life; thirteen hours flying all the way back to London, walking through to the departure lounge alone with my eyes looking at the floor, feeling helpless and as if I were ten years old again, returning to my family home where my Mum no longer was... the loving glue that held us all together through good times and bad.


Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Nan, sleep tight and don't let the bugs bite! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx