I Still Believe In Peace

Am I the only person who has stopped watching the news? Am I the only person who has stopped buying or reading newspapers? Am I the only person who wants to forget about the world?

You switch on the television or open a newspaper and all you see is war, violence, greed, fighting and ignorance.... it's all so depressing and I hear you say "well it's the truth" but I don't want to believe it.

What happened to world peace?! What happened to love thy neighbour?! What happened to make love not war?!

Maybe I'm being naive but I just wish that we could go back to simpler times when peace had a chance, when innocent people weren't being killed because of decisions made by world leaders.

So instead I prefer now to see the world through my rose-coloured spectacles, to imagine a world that is a much better place to live in, to erase all the wars and violence.

To quote John Lennon I finish this post with some famous beautiful words of his that everyone should remember:

"If someone thinks that love and peace is a cliche that must have been left behind in the Sixties, that's his problem. Love and peace are eternal."

"Grief" - Original Poetry By Me

Each day I wake up I feel empty,
Just don’t know how to deal with the grief,
One moment I’m shocked with emotion,
Then I’m crying because God is a thief.

The hurt inside’s like an explosion,
Continuously re-lighting the fuse,
My body’s still numb without feeling,
Ever since I was told the bad news.

I just can’t believe that it’s happened,
How could you be taken so soon?
I feel that I’m going quite crazy,
Did the dish run away with the spoon?

Evenings I find is the worst time,
Find myself crying and sobbing all night,
In dreams I call out your name Mum,
But no answer and then it’s daylight.

One day I suppose it gets better,
Perhaps later time heals all this pain,
But I can’t see that far in the future,
I feel like I’m lost in the rain.

© 04/1999

"Mum" - Original Poetry By me

“Mum”


Your laughter's ringing in my ears,
Your smile's etched on my face,
Your Loving ways are in my heart,
But you've left a hollow space.

I ran back home to find you,
But you'd just walked out the door,
I climbed the stairs to search for you,
Then my heart fell to the floor.

They told me, but it can't be true,
It must all be a wicked game,
At night and day my tears don't stop,
I'm screaming out your name.

Oh Mum, why did you have to go?
You wasn't supposed to yet,
I had so much more to show you,
You'd be proud of me, I bet.

I ran into the garden, Mum,
Saw your smile on a peaceful dove,
You left the house full of everything,
But, Mum, it's mostly Love.

© 03/1999

Remembering My Mum

9 years ago this week my Mum passed away at the young age of 56 from the wicked disease Cancer.
There isn't a day goes by that I don't think of her, she was a wonderful, wonderful Mother and we were very close and had a huge Mother-Son bond.
She helped me through many trials and tribulations in my life and always stood by me and gave me 100% loving support, always, through good times and bad.
If I had an idea to do something, a dream, an ambition, she would be the first person to be telling me to go ahead and do it, to do everything that I always dream to do, to travel and see the world, without never having a negative thought about any of it.

I miss that enormously, I really do... I miss her constant laughter, her smile, her positive outlook on everything, her wonderful advice, her ability to tell me not to worry and that everything will be o.k. even when I felt that all hope was lost, but most of all I miss her unconditional love.
I know that she is still with me, still around me, still loving me, unseen and unheard, and guiding me in the right directions in my life but it's just not the same...
I miss her daily telephone calls to me asking me how I am, exchanging our exciting news and telling me how much she misses me, calls that always ended in tears, tears that are filling my eyes as I write this... the same tears that appear whenever I talk about her to anyone.

My Mum still exists in my phone books and diaries, in fact I can't bring myself to erase her name or telephone number from my records because in my mind she is still at the end of a telephone line somewhere waiting for my call... and I feel that if I delete her name and number it would mean that I would be deleting her from my memory in some way, and memories are all I have of her now.

Words can't express how sad I feel this week... 9 years have gone by so fast and her passing still feels very fresh in my mind;
the shocking news, the telegram from my Father telling me to get home to England as soon as possible, my Mum's wish for me not to be told of her illness (her last gift of love to me), the loneliest flight that I have ever had in my life on an airplane, getting home to England only to find out that my Mum had already passed away and not getting to say Goodbye to her, endless days and nights of never ending tears and the feeling that my heart had been ripped out of my chest and replaced with a 100lb weight.

I helped my Dad arrange everything in England and returned to Brasil a month later, which was when a black hole opened up for me and I went headfirst into 3 long years of very deep depression, pain and loneliness.
I had never thought about the possibility of my Mum leaving this world, I guess because she was still relatively quite young... I just never imagined it.
Now I watch old ladies in the street and think to myself that I will never get to see my Mum in that way, I would never be able to see her as an old lady.

Her image is frozen in my mind:
A very beautiful woman with blonde hair and blue eyes, always wearing stylish clothes, always looking great. She would enter a room and all eyes would turn to look at her, she had the most incredible aura and people were captivated by her presence.
She had the biggest heart and would help everyone she could, she never walked past someone collecting for charity without giving some money and standing and talking to that person about how great it is for people to give.

And she had the most wonderful laugh, you could hear her laughter from another room and the only time I ever saw her sad and depressed was when she lost her own Mum, my Grandmother, and I didn't understand so well at the time as I was still a child, but I understand totally now how she felt, as I have now gone through the same experience.
The feeling of total loss, heartache, numbness and sadness is a feeling that you would never experience again or before in your life and it has changed me completely, I'm a totally different person now from when my Mum was alive and after going through such a traumatic experience I feel that nothing truly bad can ever touch me again because I have already been through the worst and nothing at all scares me anymore, I've become fearless - something that I never was 9 years ago.

So on this very sad week, and at the end of this post, I am leaving a small memory, one of millions locked inside my head:

It is the memory of being in the family car, my Dad is driving and I am sitting in the back seat behind my Mum (like I always did).

I am looking at my Mum's blonde hair blowing in the breeze coming from her barely open window as she is singing along to a song on the radio, I reach out and touch her hair with my small fingers, she turns around and smiles at me, an enormous smile with all the love in the world, a Mother's love, I smile back and I feel safe and so, so loved...

I love you Mum, forever and always - Goodnight, sleep tight and don't let the bugs bite.

Films for the Soul

For as long as I can remember I have been a huge film fan.

I guess it all started when my Mum started taking me to the cinema at the age of just 5 years old... and not just to see the animated Disney films but to see films that had messages, culture, substance, and feel-good movies too... we would go to the cinema every Friday and it became our tradition.

But then that was exactly how my Mum was; so cultural and totally connected to the world of the arts and cinema, and so of course I inherited this wonderful interest, along with so many more of her wonderful attributes.

There are no film genres that I don't like, I watch everything from drama, action, romance, comedy, horror, suspense, foreign films.... I always want to see everything and I have watched the Oscar ceremony every year of my life since I was a child.

These days with the success of Dvd's I must admit that I watch more films at home than going to the cinema, although nothing compares to a night out at the flicks! that feeling that you get whilst sitting in the darkness of the cinema waiting anxiously for the film to start whilst watching all those advertisements of dancing and singing hot dogs and popcorn!

Oh and the popcorn! Who can resist going to the cinema, or even watching a film on Dvd, without having popcorn?! It is one of the vital accessories that needs to be purchased before the film.

The sweet variety is my favourite, but unfortunately here in Brasil sweet popcorn is not sold in cinemas, only the salty one, so I buy that one at the cinema and make my own sweet one at home whilst sitting in front of my home theatre.

Films for me are really like films for my soul, they make me feel good and I can't go a day or two without my "fix" of films. If films were a drug I would be the biggest addict and in need of some serious help! I don't think even the hardest re-hab would be able to help me with my addiction, I would be the male Amy Winehouse!

On a Sunday afternoon there is nothing I love more than watching a British film, remembering my home, my family, my Mum....

Some people say that films are just something simple, that they are not important in the whole "scheme of things" but I don't agree, I believe that film is one of the greatest arts there is and that it also helps us humans deal with so many troubles or heartache in our lives, especially in this modern world of stress with everybody running from one job to another.

In fact if film didn't exist I believe that a lot of people would be paying large bills in Psychologist's fees - try it next time you are feeling sad, depressed or just in need of some laughter or entertainment: watch a comedy, romantic comedy or feel-good movie on Dvd and see how fast your feelings change! Guaranteed upliftment! Films for the soul!!

Aren't you people supposed to look like me?!

More and more, as I look around me, I can see that we are living in such a false and phoney "plastic world" - one that is full of people that have been pulled, stretched, fixed, enhanced, made bigger, smaller, or totally changed completely.

How do these people's families and friends recognize them?! and where have all the "normal" people gone?!

While I don't rule out the possibility of a subtle rejuvenation of myself in the future, why is it that so many people are changing themselves completely into these ugly cartoon caricatures of brainless bimbos and himbos? Could it be that they have such little brains that they don't see how ridiculous they look?

Every time we open a newspaper or magazine, or even enter an internet website, we are bombarded with images of these "perfect people" overly spray-tanned to the colour of Fanta orange, with their silicone pumped breasts, pecs, arses, abs, faces and lips, all disposable accessories that are attached to their perfectly sculptured and liposuctioned bodies.

The worrying thing is what message does this give to children, teenagers and people that may not be totally comfortable with the way they look or feel?!

Does it mean that we all have to conform and be "sculptured and perfected" as well?!

Does it mean that the world has a new "club" where you can only be a member if you have been sprayed orange and had all the correct nips and tucks?

I miss seeing all the real people, you remember those! the ones who were beautifully natural with normal bodies, normal skintone and without all the overly-vain minds, people who have substance, brains, conversation, without any of this magazine airbrushed celebrity obsession,

people you could talk to without completely damaging your health!

I'm all for wanting to stay fit, healthy, to look after my appearance, change my hairstyle once in a while and always keeping the composure, that is all done without question, but I never want to belong to this new club of circus freaks...

I prefer to stay individual and with all my genuine parts intact... Do the better people come with imported parts?! and what if they need to change one of their parts? Is it like ordering 3 months in advance from BMW or Mercedes?!

Aren't you people supposed to look like me?!!